catfunt: the site they should have silenced

About time they got tough with those commie bastards...

It's good to see that the USA is making the world a safer place by extending sanctions against Cuba. Commie bastards. By way of marking the event here's a picture of Fidel with Tricky Dicky.

And I thought 'Opportunity' was a word that no longer called at my door...

>>>>>>in today's post:

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

We provide a concept that will allow anyone with sufficient life experience to obtain a fully verifiable university d i ploma.

Bachel o r , Mast e r or even a Do c t orate.

Think of it, within a month you too could be a c o llege graduate.
Many people share the same frustration, they are all doing the work
of the person that has the degree, and the person that has the
d e gree is getting all the money.

Don't you think that it is time you were paid fair compensation
for the level of work you are already doing?

This is your chance to finally make the right move and receive your due benefits. If you are like most people you're more than qualified with your experience, but you are lacking that prestigious piece of paper known as a d i ploma that is often the passport to success.

C A LL 1 - 31 5 - 54 6 - 966 3 TODAY, AND GIVE YOUR LIFE A CHANCE !

>>>>>>>my fa vour ite bit is the sp acing in key wo rds. Presumably so my spa m soft ware doe sn't recog nise it as a pie ce of shit e.

Best Choose the Best Search for Your Information Need

Noodletools' list of which search engines for which jobs. Smart. Clever. Ugly too.

"Get Hoeing, Bitch"

Yol and me have an allotment in Walthamstow opposite the dog track. In the two weeks we have had strawberries (twice), redcurrents, 2 different types of lettuces, broadbeans and peas. I think the other allotmenteers have taken pity on us given our general unsuitablity to working the earth and are showering us with produce for that reason. We have planted tomatoes, sweetcorn, cucumbers, courgettes, radishes, spring onions, lettuces, rocket, runner beans, french beans and cabbage. It is raining constantly but in the gardening context this is a good thing (unlike the art context where it is piss poor).

Saaatchi has Momart: Apu has Waterworld

The cupboards on the porch at the back of the house flooded again which leads to the obvious question why did the owners of the storage facility decide to continue to keep valuable artwork there? Drawings and paintings from Apu150, the recent show at tiny East London gallery Transition, bore the brunt of the destruction and the scenes this morning of sodden bits of card with barely discernable daubings on them would make a grown man cry . Artist Paul Murphy was today quoted as saying 'I believe God doesn't want me to be an artist anymore' as he dredged the inch deep water in a vain attempt to recover some fragments of the project that he devoted a year of his life to. 'Saatchi gets "The Towering Inferno"', continued the artist in reference to the 70s disaster movie, 'But I get 'Waterworld'".

Collectors of work from the Apu150 show were said to be reapprasing their level of insurance this morning. One who asked not to be named said 'From what I've heard it's more like "Apu65" than "Apu150" now and prices will surely reflect that in future.'

John Candy

This is my 70-word preview of the John Candy programme on the Biography Channel for a well-known listings magazine:

"Dead in Durango of a heart attack at the age of 43, John Candy is one of those actors whose achievements are hard to quantify. Put it this way, when 'Cool Runnings' is one of your best films it doesn’t hold out a great deal of hope for the rest of your career. Sa dly what’s missing here are Candy’s long running comedy appearances on Canadian SCTV, by all accounts a much more credible tribute to the big guy."

I reproduce it here because a) I have nothing else to say for myself today b) Steve was the first (and only) John Candy fan I ever met. He used to cry over 'Uncle Buck'.

For The Stella Stalkers:

For the Stella stalkers this is the next expected public appearance of her talentedness. Treat this in confidence:

Hi, please come along to the new show at Rosy Wilde
this Thursday night 17th June 6..8pm

All New Spam Poetry

algebraic bootstrap decorum explain hydroxide monstrous noaa bakersfield electroencephalograph magdalene antoine cyclotron redbud oaf downtown dahomey aba inductance arbitrary command trawl brother sedate frolic aftereffect ouagadougou cepheus styli capacitive improve mobil castillo toy class oligarchy palestinian bedroom pituitary polytechnic faust

complaint assault resonate sis elate artemisia virile deane flageolet crimp educate intimate wilkes estimable walton shortcoming desuetude supervisory forklift chang encyclopedic censorious lingual sightsee gonzalez aries molar dead deregulatory fcc aleph crab roach bearberry forgive grandson olson sidewise

dissertation erskine opt illustrate computation thorn cranford gastrointestinal albanian chignon diffusible cloak craig chartres berwick honeysuckle elephant brimful saviour jackman toledo mercurial westward steady weco diagram midspan sousa fancy template damn

Bill Gates and the Arse Council

Interested readers will remember the Microsoft Office art project that we at Catfunt have been working on. We have had our first submission, created using Microsoft Powerpoint 2003. Isn't it magnificent? I think it goes to prove that the Autoshapes tool does have its uses.

Stella Vine

Stella is still thanking me for inviting people to her show and has been especially pleased by the gushing praise her work has received on their websites. But will she still thank me when their healthy fandom turns to unhealthy stalkerdom and obssession. I hear Juliet is blonde and has started painting again...

(apologies to my regular reader - my hosting company Web-Mania (slogan: "Where insanity meets the web") forgot to put any money in the meter.)

Stella Vine Tonight

The Stella Vine roadshow starts tonight and some people are getting very excited about the whole thing. Let's hope they don't peak too early. I'll be there at 7.30pm. If anyone's interested...

Office 2003: Easy

This going out of the house thing is over rated. It's day two (or day three as my feet didn't technically touch public space on Sunday) of my self-imposed isolation and I feel like Errol in 15 Stories High except that he's played by an actor (the excellent Benedict Wong) and this, my friend, is real life. My wife picked up a copy of Easy Office 2003 for me as one of the reasons that I have stopped going out is that I have decided to dedicate my life to mastering Office 2003.

There are no pictures of Benedict Wong, the actor, on the web. This is a picture of another Benedict Wong, Chairman of HKCCMA, in an article about SARS.

Bill Gates: the Saatchi of his generation

I've been working on another of those teachers' tutorials that were mentioned earlier. It's the turn of that admirable package, Powerpoint. Can there ever have been a piece of software that inspired greater creativity than Powerpoint? I am now an expert and am available for hire to write your business plan in Powerpoint.

My hero Bill Gates part 2

Here's something I made using Excel today. I see a whole art exhibition where the only restriction is that all work must be produced using Microsoft Office. I must ask the Arts Council for money for this. The show will be called 'Art and Business'. In the 'Moving Image' section video artists will be asked to produce work using only Microsoft Powerpoint. The conceptual artists will use Microsoft Project.

Excel

Regular readers will know I've been writing computer software tutorials for teachers in Scotland. I've just completed the tutorial for spreadsheets. Microsoft Excel 2003 is a remarkably good product with some very useful features, able to turn rows and columns of numbers into many different types of graphs and charts. Now if I ever become a complete cunt I might find a use for it.

Stella Vine and catnip

Yolanda is torturing the cat. I found a bottle of catnip in the back of the cupboard, hidden behind a bottle of twelve year-old whiskey. (I think the catnip is to make Catnip Daquiris. Daquiri is like gratin - you can daquiri anything.) Anyway, I digress, Yolanda had sprayed fresh catnip on the toy mouse on a string (he's just called "Mouse" - I figured in his line of work it wouldn't do to get too fond of him.) and the cat (he's called "Fat Bastard") went completely crazy. The thing is Yol bored of the game, the catnip wore off and Fat Bastard has gone cold turkey and is moaning in the corner. It's like Popeye Doyle in French connection. It's killing me to see him like this.

Oh, Stella Vine, my old stable mate (can you say that about someone you share a gallery with?) is having her first solo show next week. The picture is one of her new ones. I wonder if Mr Saatchi's insurance money has come through as yet?